Funny how LOVE can kill my life.
Be prepared for a hell of a story...
Today I cried a lot... Until my eyes were all puffy, red and ugly...
I didn't sleep for 5 hours...
My heart jumped fast whenever I try to sleep...
At the end I did not go to school...
And it's my favourite date, 20th.
I talked to my mom, and my brother while they see me cry...
They love me... It makes me tear more...
My brother is a smart guy...
He told me a lot of things... And make me wonder...
I really don't know what to do if what he says is true.....
But I need to know the truth...
The funny part is,
I thought if I didn't hear about your stuff I'll be okay...
I'll survive and smile like everything's fine...
I'll be able to concentrate back my studies...
I'll be able to live like you're finally out of my life...
I adjusted my feelings, my mood...
I thought I was going to be fine...
But it just ended me up writing more stories...
Everyday I have something to say to him and I wrote it down...
"Xxxxx, it's raining... Remember to cover blanket... If not later you ..."
"Xxxxx, when you're working don't forget to take care of yourself... She needs you ..."
"Xxxxx, I see her status she seems sad... You two okay...? ..."
"Xxxxx, don't too busy if not who's accompanying her? I didn't text her you know ..."
"Xxxxx, so many times I wanted to contact back you... I'm so weak ..."
"Xxxxx, I missed you so much... But I shouldn't tell you ..."
I talk to myself... Cry to myself...
I'm trying to create a song...
But I couldn't, not without thinking about you...
Finally I noticed I was wrong.....
What I'm doing is just running away from the fact that HE has my damn bloody heart...
No matter how hard I try, how far I run,
I can never run away from my own heart....
Defeated....
When last time I've written my last post in this blog,
I thought it's finally game over...
I thought I'm finally free from the boundaries of my own LOVE...
I thought I can start to love somebody else...
I thought I don't need to wear mask or pretend to be strong anymore...
But, my heart doesn't listen to my brain...
It's not like I'm asking back the relationship,
It just hurts me a lot because of my own stupidity...
I'm mad at myself because I know I'll still choose you if I'm given another choice....
I wonder how many people would laugh at me hearing this....
I'm always too good at pretending...
To be happy, alive, still breathing, acting totally like someone else...
I never let anyone see me sad, unless I wanted to...
Yes perhaps I did lie to you...
But not before I think about the consequences...
WHY sometimes I still hope that you'll know I'm lying...?
WHY sometimes I still hope you'll know what my heart thinks and prove me wrong...?
WHY sometimes your one word can make me believe in love again...?
WHY sometimes I hope that we're still together...?
Sometimes all my pretending scares me...
All the tears I've shed alone.
All the notes I've written on net and hidden from you.
All the things I've said and done.
I lost myself in the process for the second time...
Why did I ever have loved you MORE than myself...?
I bet it's suffocating you....
Making you couldn't breathe...
Giving you not happiness but just pressure...
That's why it's not sweet anymore being together with me...
And yes I know I'm the one causing problems for myself....
Maybe I'm the one with communication problems....
I never blame you, Sweetie....
Just don't say sorry to me...
Because I want me to be the one not good enough, not you...
I know what I do all along is not enough....
I made you lose your smile....
And made you shed tears instead...
But at least I'm trying to give you the best...
Even after breakup...
Forgive me for I'm not strong at all actually...
I'm so fragile that sometimes I feel that breathing can kill me...
My heart has pain-disorder...
And my brain is starting to get infected...
You can go on living your life...
You don't have to remember about how much I've loved you...
Just please remember that I never try to take happiness away from you...
No matter how jealous I am or how unhappy I will be...
But since I said that I won't snatch, won't rob, won't steal, won't compete with her,
That makes me even more stupid-er if I continue to wait...
I don't even know WHAT am I waiting for....
A Start-Over?
A Happily-Ever-After?
A Miracle..?
I heard people say that,
"Love can make you forget Time, and Time can make you forget Love"...
I hope it's true for me, and NOT true for you...
I hope I can forget my Love towards you when Time passes by...
But I hope you won't forget your Love towards her when Time passes by...
I hope that you can prove to me there's a "Forever Love" in this world...
I'll still be happy even though if it's not through me...
Prove it through her it's still the same....
I don't know you understand or not...
I don't know what I'm writing either....
This is just a part of my heart....
I can't keep everything inside my heart,
That's why I write stuffs out...
Imagine what will it be like staying inside my heart,
Full of your shadows and tears of my own... LOL...
Sweetie,
I don't ask for much...
I will hide my tears away carefully this time.
All I want is just your
Happily-Ever-After...
 |
| What was mine, is Lost. |
"Do you know that behind every drops of tears I've shed,
There's always a story I wanted to tell you..?
I'm sorry I'm not perfect...
Or even near perfect...."
♥ Me
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